seventeen @ 17 @ se7enteen @Strong Therman Hahskoo@ uhm..... @ Gray @ dIE@#$ Anchor: In other news, Strong Thurman Hah Skoo in Greenbow, Alabama was ground zero in a massive nuclear explosion caused by teens in California. We go live to Polly Esther who is on the scene. Polly? Polly Esther: Greenbow, Alabama. A quiet, southern town of 120. Every morning the milkman drives down the quiet, suburban streets and the paperboy delivers the Greenbow Enquirer. Who could have imagined that it's High School phone system could lead to tragedy? Principal: Well, ya see, we got this here telephone thing so them there kids can call us and get there homework, see? Whooooeee, ain't it something? Polly Esther : But that phone system attracted the attention of several communist computer criminals across the country. Upon calling for the 423rd time in a day, these "Hackers" shorted out the Private Branch Exchange and caused a thermonuclear reaction equal to that of a 10 megaton nuclear device. Lame Hick: What I actually heard was that those dang'ole kids was callin' to hear that man's voice. Why oh why did this have to happen? That dang microwave explosion scared my cows away, and I have to build a new chicken coop! Polly Esther : After much investigation, the FBI has come to the conclusion that the culprits are a subgroup of the Trenchcoat Mafia and have members in the KGB, CIA, NSA, KKK, KFC and, most frighteningly, the NBA. They are also members of a nascent group of "hackers", or radical political criminals whose crimes involve manuvering sattelites to make illegal phone calls and placing pornography on the screens of computer users in the Vatican. FBI honcho: We're not sure at this point how many of the so-called "hackers" are involved, however at last estimate we had at least 2348 suspects that we're taking a look at. Hackers are a growing problem in the US and abroad, especially now that the little pukes have learned about vulnerable "small towns" as we like to call them here at the Buerau Polly Esther : But the citizens of Greenbow say that isn't enough. They have taken a bill to congress which, if ratified, will ban the use of computers across the nation. Lame hick: Yup, this would'a never happened if we hadn't let them kids play with those damned computers. We need to ban this Windowsill 20 thing and make sure that nobody else has to rebuild their chicken coop. Polly Esther : In addition, one family's death is being blamed on the hackers' persistance in calling the 800 number. An instructor at Strong Thurman High School was driven to suicide after several calls criticizing his "angry voice". Investigators are puzzled as to the hackers' motives, however it is clear that this man was indeed angry. Weeping wife: He just up and died one day! Up and died! I can't express my rage towards those damned kids! What is it they were doing, some Compuserving or one of them electro-technology gadgets? I want them on a pitchfork, ya hear? A pitchfork in my cotton fields! Polly Esther : No one in Greenbow has yet to hear the words of those involved. However, by using one of their devices of torture, IRC, we contacted one of the hackers involved. He wouldn't tell us is real name, but he invented the pseudonym "Natas". He says he is a 400 year old elf living in the "Enchanted Wood east of Remulack". Polly Esther: Glad you could make it, Natas. Natas: fuck you! I'm the dictator!! Polly Esther: What was motivating these devious criminals? Natas: stop using more than one name! Polly Esther: I see. Did you have any input on the 800 number in question? Natas: heil natas Polly Esther: After it all, there is still hope. The local church has organised a book burning in which all computer-related books will be burned. The locals believe this event will raise the spirits of those who have lost family and friends to the hackers involved. Reverend: Yep, we're gonna have an old fashion revival. I believe that the disciples said it best in John 4:54 when they said, "So let it written, so let it be done, thou shalt not make null pointers. And, ye verily, thou shalt not partake in the pagan tapping board ritual." Anchor: Wow that sure is something. Was that something Jennifer? Anchor^2: That definitely was something John. Anchor: If you would like to dedicate some of your time to Strong Thurman High School, the number to call is 1-800-345-0020. Anchor^2: In other news...